1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left  
    arm as if holding a baby.

    Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
    cat’s  mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
    while holding pill in right  hand.  

    As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
    of  wardrobe.

    Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,  
hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat

    7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

    Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new  ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
    sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
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How to Give a Cat a Pill
8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
and blow down drinking straw.

    9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste
    away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's  forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water
    and soap.

10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place
cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck,
to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic

    11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door  back on hinges.
    Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

    Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of  last tetanus shot.
    Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-
    shirt away and fetch new  one from bedroom.

12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the  little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws
    with garden twine and bind  tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large
    piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head  vertically and pour two pints of water down
    throat to wash pill down.

14.  Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.
Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15.  Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if
    they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

 Wrap it in bacon.

    2.  Toss it in the air.
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